full.

this weekend, i had one of those moments.  most people know “those” moments for me mean, well, sobbing.  about something.  maybe it’s because i watched a nerdy movie, one that should never make me cry, but did anyways.  or that i thought about graduation, or missing my family, or saw an old picture of the twins.  or maybe all three.

in the midst of having one of “those” moments, though, i came to a beautiful realization: and it is that my life is really full, and really beautiful, and really sweet right now.  and, well, that made me cry all the more–but for a different reason.

it’s easy to cry because you’re sad about something, or you miss someone.  it’s easy to cry because you’re afraid of change, or new things, or what’s ahead.  those are all things that can–and do–have the power to make me cry, sometimes.  

but the tears this weekend were different.  they were rooted in somewhere beautiful.  i wept because i could see, looking back over the last three years (well, really, twenty-five years) of my life, how good and faithful and kind the Lord really has been.  how he has taken care of me so well, and has brought beautiful things, and beautiful people, into my life.  how he has taught me about himself through the characters in his story, who i’ve met along my journey.  how friendship and relationships and family and friends-who-are-family have mirrored the story of the gospel, in their own beautiful and broken and mysterious and sweet way.  

i had this moment of totally being….overwhelmed by God’s goodness and his gifts to his children.  and i was even overwhelmed that he withheld some gifts too–like when i thought i should be married by now.  if i had a husband, i’d be missing out on living in crestwood, in such a special place, with such special people.  like my prayer that i could move away from birmingham, and from beeson, and begin seminary afresh somewhere else.  it seems like a prayer i prayed so long ago.  i didn’t even know what i was praying, really.  i can’t imagine the past three years NOT being in this city–even in the midst of the sadness, and the goodbyes, and the transitions, and the hard things. 

and it gives me hope that, even now, when things don’t always make sense, the Lord knows what he is doing–so much more so than I do.  that he’s making the gospel known in my own life, even when i can’t see it.  that some things have to change, because there’s more ahead.   there’s good ahead, and there’s hope, and there’s life, and it’s worth living not because i have investments in this transitory and temporary world, but because God has been so good, and so faithful–and those are things which won’t change in the days ahead.

so for tonight, i’ll sit in my favorite pajamas, and probably watch my nightly episode of Gilmore Girls, and listen to the rain.  and i’ll think about the gospel, and how it’s changed my life, and is changing me.  even when i don’t like it.  even when it means my plans have to change, and my way of doing things isn’t the best way after all.  even when it means the things i think i want, the dreams i’ve clung to so tightly, aren’t the right dreams after all.  because, at the end of the day, i can’t imagine my life in any other way than it is right now, even with the sad things and the hard things.  because really, it’s just really full.  like a glass, overflowing, to the brim.  filled with love, and people, and ministry, and life.  my cup really does run over.  and i’m so grateful for it.  it’s a good reason to tear up.  

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