i used to live my life looking forward to things.
this might sound like a depressing and a morbid and a terrible post, but it’s not going to be at all. it’s a true statement, though, that i used to live my life looking forward to things. it’s how i got through the weeks of elementary, and middle, and high school. divorces and transitions and big church changes and moving to college. i’d think about when i’d get to see my latest crush again, or some big event my friends were planning, or an upcoming youth trip, or the release of the next Harry Potter [it’s already public knowledge that i’m a nerd…]
and there were some moments that i dreaded looking toward, and because i was so nervous, i would write them and imagine them in my head. scenarios of the perfect four years in college occupied my brain during my last semester of high school. when i became burdened with living in columbia and felt like life was too hard, i’d dream about seminary and what was next.
i don’t dream a lot about the future anymore. i mean, i do–but not the way i used to when i was unhappy and unsatisfied. i don’t know if that means i’m more happy, or more content, or more satisfied. in a lot of ways, i can’t imagine my life any other way than it is. i can’t imagine not being at beeson, or working at MBBC, or living in birmingham. parts of me are excited about camp, but i don’t look forward to it in the way that i might have years ago, because i like being here. i like my community and life in birmingham.
i could talk about a lot of things at this point. maybe i could discuss the fact that i don’t think about the future right now because i struggle with fear, and knowing what’s next, and i just can’t picture what will happen after seminary.
but i said this would be a positive post, and it will be–and so the thing i’d like to leave you with is the beauty of living each day for what it is. where you are. of blooming where you are planting, and praying for the welfare of your city, and waking up and going to bed each day in a place you have come to love, and knowing that, for now, that’s enough. i wasted hours and days imaging what my life in seminary would be like, and it’s nothing like what i pictured. in many ways, it’s better–but for a long time, i was bitter because things were quite how i had painted them in the canvas of my head as i hoped and longed for somewhere new.
so this is what i remind myself–of the beauty of those moment. as i sit at a table i purchased from a thrift store, and type on a dirty but fully functioning mac, and smell my key lime pie candle burning. there are lots of things i’d like to do. there are lots of things left to experience. i want to get married, and have kids, and work full time in ministry, and maybe go back to school and get a counseling degree. the Lord knows my dreams, and my heart, and he knows his plan. and he is good, right where i am. and i’m called to trust, and to wait, and to live in today. in this day. not tomorrow.