listening to the rain.

today, it’s raining like crazy.  

it’s been raining since midnight, when i couldn’t sleep for whatever reason.  i laid in my bed restless, tossing, turning. 

and listening to the rain.

i thought about the sermon i have to preach in two days, and how i feel utterly unprepared to do so.  i thought about how much i’m dreading preaching. and exams. and having my wisdom teeth removed.  and figuring out what i’m going to do with the rest of my life.

this morning, as i was driving to church, it was raining…again.  and as i drove through mountain brook, and the curves, and watched the rain fall, and the leaves blow, and sang along to my radio, i was reminded again of God’s providence and sovereignty in taking care of his creation through the rain–even when the conditions are kind of gross, and i don’t really appreciate those rainy days when i have to work, and write, and study, and can’t sleep.

it’s a double-edged sword, God’s providence, isn’t it?  on the one hand, believing that God is sovereign and in control, and is perfectly providential, is a reminder that God knows his creation. and me, his child.  he knows the future, and he is the author of the future.  and when i fret and i worry, i show that i don’t have faith in the one who knows all things.  who ordains all things.  who holds all things together.  in a sense, it’s a great comfort to me that God is sovereign and in control.

and then there’s the other side. if God’s sovereign and in control, sometimes difficult things happen. sometimes things don’t turn out the way i would hope, or imagine, or dream.  sometimes things don’t go my way.  sometimes that causes me pain–and sometimes it’s because i’m being a two year old baby and throwing a toddler temper tantrum, but sometimes because loss is hard, and difficult, and painful, and gut-wrenching.  and i have to stand back and say…

“God, why?  Why did you allow that to happen? Why is my heart breaking?  Why is this so hard?  Is this fair?  Is this right?  Why do these people suffer? Why do people die? Why are things so difficult, and why did you let this come to pass?”

this is the hard part for me, but is the part where i have to keep trusting. i have to trust that God’s sovereignty intersects–that because he knows what is best, and how it is best for the gospel to go forth–sometimes he allows terrible things (and sometimes things that just seem terrible to me!) to happen. not because he doesn’t love me.  not because he isn’t in control, because he is.  at the end of the day, i have no choice but to trust that God is sovereign.  and in control.  and loves me more than i can possibly imagine, and has my good in mind even in the midst of pain, and try to believe that with all of my heart, and to trust.  even when it doesn’t make sense.  especially when it doesn’t make sense. 

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