i’ve been thinking about writing this post for the last two weeks, but i just haven’t had the words. i’ve known what i wanted to say, but not exactly how to say it, or where to begin.
so i’ll begin in the middle, because that’s now. there’s no point at beginning in the beginning, because thats the past–and the end, i don’t know what that will be.
the middle part is that life is hard sometimes. and that’s the long and short of it. sometimes it’s hard for what seems to be no reason at all, though now, as i look back over the last few days, and weeks, and months of my life, i can see that the difficulty was also…sanctification. being refined by fire. against my will, and against my desires, and i protested the entire time. but it was refining none the less.
but the gist, the truth, that i’ve learned in the last few weeks is that God loves me. i know that sounds trivial and ridiculous, and it is. i’m not saying i learned that God loves me in the whole “he made me and i’m valuable” way, or “he loves me and died on the cross for my sins,” kind of way–even though those are both amazing and true and valid.
what i’m saying is that God loves me personally, and even i’m going through difficulties–and even when he causes pain, because as Mark Gignilliat likes to say, “Sometimes God hurts his friends,” he cares deeply and intimately about me. about how i feel. about what i’m experiencing. about my desire, for anything BUT him to comfort me and bring me joy….and about my need for only him, and that he is the only one who can bring true peace even in the midst of sadness.
the most beautiful thing is that in the midst of that sadness, he hears me. and he knows. he knows the heartache. he wants to hear about the hurt. and he desires honesty, and openness, in our relationship. so, a few weeks ago, i bore my soul to the Lord. my heart cried out from the depths, in honesty and raw emotion. i asked a lot of hard questions, like why? and will things ever be okay?
i have to be honest and say that a lot of these questions are still unanswered. as are the hard questions in life. but while the Lord didn’t give the answers to the questions, he gave something much more. he gave peace, and joy. and kindness. and reminded me of his goodness, over, and over, and over, and over. even when life doesn’t make sense. even when i want the answers. the only answer that matters: he’s faithful.
oh your love is a symphony
all around me, running through me
oh your love is a melody
undermeath me, running into me
oh your love is a song.