some years are bigger than others. this was one of those “going to define the next phase of my life” kind of years. and I’m thankful for that.
2010 began in a difficult way. with lots of tears. i cried the opening night of passion, sitting in a room with thousands of people. i cried laying in my hotel room at night, when no one could hear. i cried when I got back to birmingham and moved my room around. i cried in the shower so no one would notice all the tears. i cried a lot.
i can’t really tell you why i cried so much. maybe i cried because i was finally realizing that I had to let go of the good, the wonderful, the elusive, the “perfect” past. you see, there are these people and these places that helped make my world go round for a long time…
for a while, i thought the solution was leaving. i told myself that it wasn’t running away but God leading me somewhere else…and that i needed to trust, and not be afraid, and take a great big leap of faith.
it made sense. it was the smart decision. and it was a choice that made me sick to my stomach after making it…
so i stayed. i made the hard phone calls to two wonderful, brilliant, beautiful, and dear girls and told them i wouldn’t be living with them in new orleans in the fall. i told friends slowly, and though they were SO supportive of my hesitation and seeking the Lord’s direction, they were delighted to know that i was staying in birmingham.
i went to Charleston. i worked camp. i visited Columbia. i fell in love with the Carolinas…again. i packed my car and made the dreaded three hundred and forty-one mile drive to alabama. i cried when i crossed the state line while on the phone with marcus.
i unpacked my car, and my life, in birmingham, alabama. i spent some hard nights in the guest bedroom at the splawns. i picked up the pieces and started again. i distanced myself from my life in the Carolinas—not because it was terrible, or my relationships were harmful…but because being “all in” meant being all in…in birmingham.
these past four months have been the answer to a prayer i have prayed since my junior year of college: that i would find “home.” my church, my friends, my birmingham family…these have become home for me.
there is something familiar and kind and gracious about birmingham, from the friends who have become my family, to the kids i get to love on, to the people i get to worship by and with each week. it took lots of tears–and an almost wrong decision—to get here…but man, i’m glad I’ve finally arrived. as 2010 ends, i can truly say:
“the Lord is good and faithful in his promises and his lovingkindness never ceases. “